I have found myself asking that very question SO many times. I would find myself sitting around a room talking with friends or family and a phrase or a word will just fly out of my mouth that I didn’t mean to say. Everyone gasps or freezes, and in my head, I’m thinking dear God please erase that moment. That did NOT just happen. Oh man! WHAT did I JUST say!!?? And then, I am desperately grabbing the air trying to shove those words back in my mouth, but like a helium balloon floating higher and higher in the air, those words just continue to float further and further away, and now it is just me and that giant elephant in the room of super awkward silence.
Someone triggered me, someone spoke a word or phrase, or gave me a look that I took as a threat and I lost my mind and said something equally hurtful, or worse. Perhaps it wasn’t addressed to me at all or it wasn’t meant to be harmful, but I took it as such. Either way, I just lost all credibility in the situation and now I’m a nutcase and people are hiding my scissors. G-R-E-A-T. I sigh, head down and let out a defeated breath. Now what?
Ok, so what I have learned is I say stuff I don’t mean, I do stuff I don’t mean to do, and I am not the only one. Whew!! I am not alone in this! What a relief! But still, why do we do and say the dumb things we do? Why do we hurt the people we love when we truly do not mean to?
There is something we need, but are not getting. This could be anything, but you have to identify what it is so that it does not keep coming up and you do not keep damaging your relationships. In my own life, I find that what I need is time alone. I love people and I love being around people but when I am surrounded by people and have zero time to be by myself, I lose my cool and become overwhelmed by too much stimulation.
Sometimes we need attention from a loved one. Think about it…with kids, if parents are not giving them attention, they will throw a fit because even negative attention is some attention, right? What about this…you and your spouse have not been intimate for a while, one starts complaining about insignificant things and the other is baffled by the sudden attitude, and then…you guessed it – they fight. The problem is not the thing they are arguing about, but it is because the need for physical touch is not being met. Perhaps it is a feeling of security that you need, and your friends want to go out and spend money dining out but you are broke. There is anxiety in coming up with money to go out, because you don’t want to have to tell them you are broke. Then you respond in a way that can hurt them. You say you don’t want to go, and now they think they have done something to offend you. Communication is broken and now we feel distant.
What do we do with this? How do we express what we need instead of verbally attacking our friends and family?
BE HONEST. SPEAK UP. COMMUNICATE.
Yep, it’s THAT easy. If you communicate your needs to your friends and family, you automatically eliminate any confusion and avoid deep conflict. Does it mean you will always get what you want? Not necessarily, but at least it is out there in the open, and you have a better chance at getting your needs met without agonizing confusion and conflict. AND…you are not left with the “what if” scenario. What would happen if I would have just said or done – xyz? “What if”, I would have…?
Try it, I bet you will see some fascinating responses. And you won’t be left sitting in awkward silence as people are making calls trying to commit you to the psych ward. ? If you need further help navigating this dilemma, connect with me or another certified life coach!
Be blessed!
