Grief is a BEAR!!!!

Whew!!!! Grief is something I have experienced, but this past year and a half has been one for the record books in my life. It’s time for me to get back to life, back to my work, back to writing. I disappeared for a season, but it’s time for me to come back. Writing for me is therapy, but I also know that it has spoken to others and helped them heal as well.

I love writing, I love helping people in pain, those going through a tough season, a confusing season in life. As a coach, I pride myself on doing the work myself so that I can be of better service and help to others.

The last two years brought me to my knees. I kept up as best I could, cared for my clients and ushered them into new life for themselves, all while dealing with intense grief under the radar myself.

I lost my younger brother to drugs in 2020, 7 days before my birthday. He was an amazing human, so smart, so funny. SO. SO. FUNNY. God, I loved him. We were close our entire lives, until we reached our late 20’s early 30’s. Then he lost his way. I lost mine because he was a part of me in some ways. I miss him terribly. I knew one day I would get “the call”. I’ll never forget it. Mom called and said, “I have some sad news”. I knew. She didn’t even have to say a word. I just cried, for days.

It reminded me of the call I got just a few years earlier about my grandmother. That one was really tough too, but this call about my brother cut even deeper. I felt paralyzed for a moment. I hadn’t talked to my brother in years. The meth turned him into someone neither of us knew. But my childhood with him flashed so vividly in my mind, it’s like I just saw him the day before, so unreal. So painful, yet I smiled at all the memories. I hate that I didn’t say goodbye, that he died alone in his apartment.

Fast forward a few weeks/months later…my family has always been close, but we really leaned into each other during this time. The hardest conversation I had to have, was with my eldest daughter. God that was painful. I just crawled into bed with her and held her, we both cried until we fell asleep. It was a sad, sweet moment. She was very close to her uncle growing up.

I didn’t really disappear too much during that season, but then Covid hit the world. It was a strange surreal experience. My sister was struck by this demonic disease. I’ll never forget how quickly it stole her from me. We were just starting a Bible study together and making a plan to get healthier with our food and exercise. We talked about God a lot, about our kids, our mates, our futures, our purpose in life.

While she was in the hospital every single day we held our breath waiting for any news from the hospital on her condition. It felt like a slow motion movie, but yet it all happened so, so fast. One minute she’s testing for Covid, it’s negative, then two days later it’s positive, another day or so later she is struggling to breathe and headed for the ER. We blink and she’s in ICU, another blink and she’s on a ventilator. We couldn’t see her, talk to her, no more text responses. Nothing. Silence. So painful. SO. FAST. August 1^st she’s in the ER, August 14^th she’s gone. Two days before my birthday. One year and five days after my brother. Damn. I’m an only child now. I’ll never forget that day on the phone with the hospital. We couldn’t see her, hold her, nothing. That’s the worst part, I think. I know I’m not the only one who went through that with a loved one and my heart aches for anyone that had to go through that, or any loss of a loved one. It hurts.

I’ll never forget my sweet in-laws coming to visit that week. They are elderly and they came to show their love and support. I was concerned they might become exposed to illness since we had been around so much family during that time and the pandemic was still running rampant. They didn’t care, they wanted to support me. God, I love those people.

I am so thankful for that time with them, because just two months later we would lose my father-in-law to Covid as well. Damn this disease. He knew Jesus, just like my sister. I have peace in knowing that.

SO MUCH LOSS, even more when I lose more friends to Covid shortly after, one to suicide, and another to cancer. Just when I think I can’t take anymore loss, there’s another just around the corner. I grew numb to any loss to be honest. I didn’t even have tears left. It was so weird.

All this background to say, I am not angry, bitter, sad, giving up. I am recovering. I am in grief, the tail end. There is a process to grief. We all handle it differently. For me it was a freaking BEAR!!!! Some days I was totally numb. I couldn’t move, I just sat in silence, I cried a lot. A LOT. Some days I was fine, on with my business, on with life. I couldn’t stop, after all I have children. They need me. My husband needs me. My friends, my clients, my family count on me.

There were several days I thought, okay, I’m alright, I can do this. Let’s GOOOOO!!!! 😊

Then I would fall apart and hide from people. I gained weight, more hiding. I got super depressed so I hid some more. None of this was anything I was ready to control and tackle. I needed to go through this to get to where I am now.

I had to go through the grief process to heal, to manage my thoughts, to grow. Instead of post traumatic stress, I had discovered post traumatic growth. Throughout my stages of grief I realized, I would go back and forth between the stages. It didn’t scare me, I just let it happen. I let myself feel and experience the grief in many ways. I wasn’t apologetic about it. I just let it BE. It’s not like a video game where you have to go through one phase, one world to unlock the next. I found I could move into the next without having completed the one I was in.

Meaning, though I was still in shock, I moved onto anger pretty quick. Angry all these people I loved were taken from me. Then while still angry and bartering, I moved into being sad, depressed. I was ok with that, it felt good to just be sad for a minute when I realized I couldn’t barter my way to an alternate reality.

Once I started serving others by taking coaching clients again, I realized being outside of myself and my grief for a moment felt really, really good. I used my pain to help others, I understood their grief more than ever before. It led me to the final stage of acceptance. I accept this is the way it is. I lost so many loved ones in a very short time, and I am OKAY. I know they are all OKAY. I have peace, I have love, I have hope. I know I will see them all again, praise God for that.

If you are struggling with intense grief, I get you. I feel you. I feel WITH you. I pray for you. I care for you. I am here for you. It’s a bear, but like I did, take your time with the process and you will come out the other side a new person. Use it to create positive change in your life. Don’t let grief rob you of your purpose and your joy. I took time away, in the way I knew how, that worked for me personally.

I became a recluse to many, but I needed to in order to grow and heal from this. I had an army of family and friends and I accepted their love, help, and support. I will NEVER forget those people I will never take that for granted that I had such love and support. I was sooooo lucky and sooooo blessed to have this army. Above all I had my Father in Heaven, God Himself to lean into. I pray that you too have His love and support in your season.

I am back and ready to be that army for anyone who needs it! Thanks for letting me speak my heart. I have missed writing, and while my witty remarks are not very present here, don’t worry they’ll be back in future posts! 😉

Be blessed!

Sarah