Have you ever thought you might be in a toxic relationship, but don’t know what to do about it?

I have! As a matter of fact, I have been through the rigor of toxicity in almost every type of relationship I have ever had. I know, you might be thinking… “well then, YOU’RE the problem Sarah”. It’s ok if you are thinking that, I’m not offended.
I’m not offended because it was my fault, my problem. I know, sounds crazy right? I say this because I did not have the tools to recognize it, address it and/or remove myself from the relationship. My biggest problem was, I had past hurts, past trauma, pain that kept me stuck in a cycle of bad (toxic) relationships. I allowed people to make me feel bad about myself. Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “no one can make you feel inferior without your consent”. I now believe that.
I learned some valuable lessons through my various types of relationships (meaning with family, friends, romantic, educational, and even business relationships) that have helped me to identify when I might be putting myself in harms way again. I now recognize it and am able to make a decision before putting my heart on the line with someone who will not care for and protect it.
Every relationship will have flaws, that’s normal. What is not normal is the relationship that leaves you feeling drained and exhausted, empty, lonely, defeated.
You get the idea.
These are the relationships to take a look at, not the ones that come with the occasional conflict or complication. I’m talking the relationship that you feel there is just something that is not quite right. The one you feel confused about. The one in which you ask yourself, “should I stay or should I go”? The one that keeps you up at night wondering where you went wrong, what you did to cause the drama, the conflict, the disconnection.
The first thing to do would be to ask yourself, where am I at? When you speak of the person or think of them, does your temperature rise? Do you feel anxious and worried, or frustrated and angry? Do you feel like your situation is hopeless and it will never get better, and there is nothing you can do about it?
I am here to tell you – there is plenty you can do about it. You don’t have to live with that torment.
So here we go…you have asked the question, how do we identify a toxic relationship? Clients often say to me, “well, wouldn’t I know if I were in a bad relationship?”. Maybe. But, not always, which is why I go through this identification checklist with them to help them discern if they are or not.
Go through the checklist and if any of these sound like you, you may be in a toxic relationship:

1. You feel as though you are at war, in constant chaos with your partner, boss, family member.
2. You see no way out, but you know you do not want to stay in. You are highly conflicted.
3. You are emotionally charged, maybe even physically spent by being around them for any length of time.
4. You feel anxious, restless, defeated, angry, frustrated, miserable, or sad most of the time since entering into relationship.
5. You think you can change them. (This is a BIG one that people miss). You cannot change another human, don’t even try. Not only that, the book of Matthew in the Bible tells us you can’t point out someone else’s fault if you don’t look at your own. This is not being negative it just means to be discerning in your judgement. How do you expect them to change, if they can’t change you?
6. You find yourself conforming to their ways, maybe even acting just like them so that you can simply keep the peace, but in the meantime, you are losing yourself, your sense of who you are, your identity.
7. You believe their lies, which have now caused you to be insecure, and more dependent on their approval (and not just theirs, but on others as well).
8. You endure their haughty temper or behavior because you don’t want to create conflict.
9. You find yourself in a cycle of abuse (physical, verbal, mental, emotional, spiritual, etc.), you can clearly see a pattern but don’t know what to do about it. Or you feel controlled and manipulated by them.
10. Nothing you do is right. You are constantly shamed, ridiculed, belittled. You are isolated from your friends and family. They gossip about you, criticize or berate you alone, or in front of others, or they threaten you in some way to keep you from leaving.
11. You dread having to be around them, but don’t want to face the consequence of walking away. Or you get anxiety just seeing their name pop up in a text message or email.

This list could go on and on, but you get the gist. If this is you, you may be in a toxic relationship. Not only that, you are most likely in an abusive relationship. If you found yourself nodding your head and saying YES to any of these, it’s time to start over. It’s time to heal and grow and go after what you truly deserve…a healthy happy well-rounded relationship, job, family dynamic, or other relationship, with appropriate boundaries of course.
I like to break this down into two categories, and explain it this way: There are toxicsituations and there are toxic people.

• Toxic people will not change (until, or unless, they are ready). Remember, you cannot change another person, don’t waste your time trying.
• Toxic situations can be changed. They can be changed by both parties, or one.

As a relationship and personal life coach, I work with people that fall into both categories. I have seen miraculous healing and restoration for those that choose to work on it. For those who don’t…well, nothing really changes for them and they repeat the patterns that continue to land them in toxic situations with toxic people over and over again.
Ok, so now we have analyzed and identified that yes, we may be in a toxic relationship or situation. We need to fix it before it destroys us any further.
How do we do that?
First – check yourself. That’s right.
What is it in you that keeps you here? Why do you return to find yourself at the same scene over and over again?
Stay with me here.
I am not saying blame yourself, or that you did anything wrong. The only thing you did wrong is not take care of yourself. Why? This is the step where you take time to identify why this continues to be your story. What is it in your life that brings you to the expectation that this is all there is? That all people are like this? That life will always be this unfulfilling because people are jerks?
The majority of my clients in this headspace say that they don’t feel they deserve anything better. That it is normal because that’s what they are used to. This type of relationship is all they have ever known. While its unsafe, ironically it is also “safe”. It’s familiar. They know what to expect. It’s because healing from the past patterns, from past hurts and pain, from a lifetime of similar relationships, it’s really, REALLY hard work.
But it is SO worth it.
If you do the work and heal, and release your junk, you will morph into the person you truly are, and you will be able to identify toxic people or situations much faster. Which will help you avoid the cycle, the rollercoaster of bad relationships that you are used to.
Case in point, I once dated a guy who was incredibly charming, but something was “off”. He ended up being incredibly abusive. I found myself getting angry all the time, but was afraid if I left, I would never find someone to love me. What I was doing was placing my identity in another person, one that hurt me, making him responsible for my joy. I lost myself, and I lost my temper…A LOT. He sucked the life right out of me. But I had many unresolved issues from my past that caused me to believe that was what I deserved. That I wasn’t worthy of anything better.
Like me, many people stay, they don’t leave and remain stuck because we are afraid. Afraid if we say too much, if we stand up for ourselves, that the consequence will be too much to handle. Sometimes we are afraid of the unknown…what if the grass isn’t greener on the other side? Sometimes we are broken from our past and we are too defeated to even bother moving forward, or releasing ourselves from the reality that we are in a bad relationship with another person.
Once I did the really hard work on myself, I found my worth, my identity and didn’t need anyone to create it for me. I found identity in Christ. For you, it may be somewhere else. But it should never be in another person. You need to be able to be “whole” on your own before you can enjoy the gift of another person. You will miss it if you don’t do this self-repair work.
I no longer felt safe. It was time to go and I knew it.
The key is to LISTEN to your gut, your instinct, the Holy Spirt, whatever or whomever you seek as your higher power. It is there to protect you. Believe it or not, fear is also there to protect you. It tells you something is not right.
If you leave the relationship, don’t look back. If they change, good for them but don’t waste your time waiting to find out if they do. You have living to do. Sometimes you have to remain in some sort of relationship, if you’re a single parent and co-parenting. But even so, you do not have to catch every ball they throw. Just because you are not together anymore does not mean that you have to take every hit they unleash.
Meaning, you do not have to accept the abuse. Dodge that ball, don’t answer the text or the email. If you must, for parenting or legal reasons, respond to something do so in writing. Set your boundaries and stick to them. Eventually they will get bored and move onto the next person. The abuser is like an addict, they want their next hit, and you are the drug. Don’t enable them.
In the business relationship, toxicity can lead to underperformance, anxiety, depression. If you can sit down and talk to the person and express how you are feeling, come up with some suggestions for change. Don’t accuse or blame, just suggest a dynamic that will help grow or change your relationship. If that is not possible, it might be a good idea to work out an exit plan. But never burn bridges, that does not serve anyone – ever.
Finally, whether you are in a good place or not, healed from your past or still working on it, it’s time to begin the repair work so you don’t fall into the same patterns moving forward.
Here are some things you can do:

1. Create and speak positive affirmations over yourself. I tell my clients that whatever negative comments, or lies, someone has spoken over you – replace those with two-three positives.
2. Post the affirmations on your refrigerator or bathroom mirror, meditate on them, find Scripture that confirms the truths about you so you don’t forget.
3. Remind yourself of who you are. (My coach had me look in a handheld mirror and report what I saw. It was shocking because when I first looked I immediately went to what an ex-boyfriend had said about me as if it was true. The deeper I looked into my own eyes the more I saw the truth, I felt love and compassion for myself, I saw the hell I had been through and the strength I had to leave it).
4. Continue to rebuild your confidence in yourself and your abilities.
5. Surround yourself with a community of people who love you and will lift you up.
6. And most important, have a plan for what you will do if that person wants to reenter your life. Without a plan, you are more likely to return to the situation.

Here’s the deal –
You don’t need to live in fear of toxic relationship. Simply set your boundaries and stick to them. It is totally ok to change your boundaries as you begin to trust others.
How I learned to trust others is by observing their behavior over time. I am a people watcher. For example, when you start spending time with someone, pay attention. See how they talk to others. See how they respond to others. Do they gossip? Are they rude? Do they belittle or make others feel inferior? Or are they kind? Are they respectful? Do they treat others well, and seem to genuinely care?
Think about it this way, however you see someone treat others, they will most likely treat you the same. If you see the “ugly” pretty quick – that’s an indication of what your future with them might look like, and you might want to walk. Give it a little time before you throw yourself all in. Don’t hold back, but be cautious. Be yourself. Take note, if they are willing to share and respond to you, you can do the same. If they hold back too much, that might tell you they are someone you probably won’t be super close to.
That is not bad, you don’t have to be BFF’s with everyone. But you can have many really great relationships if you stick to your boundaries as I mentioned, and take care of your heart. Again, if you see genuine care and concern for others, a warm attitude towards others this is a good sign of how that individual truly is.
Again, be careful with your judgment. It’s not about that. It’s about protecting yourself from a toxic situation. Especially if you recognize a pattern in your relationships. But always remember, don’t assume you can just change someone, you can only change yourself.
Be blessed!

Sarah